Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
