I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
