Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
