My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
