im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
