I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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