If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You have to summon your inner elephant
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Randomize
