party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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