I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
