Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize