This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
