you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
