i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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