Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
