We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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