Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
