I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Walk of Shame today included voting.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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