The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
They took my balls.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize