South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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