new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
