mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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