I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
