No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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