I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
