You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
