I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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