drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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