I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
