I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
