I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
