I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
