took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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