can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
