He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
