you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
