I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
