My room smells like vodka and shame
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Randomize
