Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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