when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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