I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
