i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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