Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
