I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
