I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
