Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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