The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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