I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
