tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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