wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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