I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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