I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Randomize
