i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
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I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
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I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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