my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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