i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
