I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
When did we convert life to cartoon?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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