I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Randomize
