i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
nutella sex= disaster
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
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