She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
