wakey wakey hands off snakey
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Randomize
