it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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