yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
