My brain says no but my pants say off.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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